6 Charismatic Mindsets to Become Magnetic

Reflecting on Charlie Haupert's Formula For Connection

Last night, in the midst of a slightly-more-lonely-than-usual week, I stumbled upon Diary of a CEO’s latest episode, which featured an incredible interview with Charlie Haupert, author of Charisma on Command and worldwide charisma educator. I had never heard of him, but less than 30 minutes into the podcast, I was hooked on what he had to say.

I’ve been focusing my latest writing and video content on strategies to build stronger friendships, so it was truly energizing to find someone who’s built an entire life and business around those things. In the interview, he unpacked 6 mindsets that he has leveraged to become more charismatic and build stronger, more dynamic connections with people.

These mindsets were so potent and clarifying for me that I decided to document them, expand on them, and share them here on Substack! They instantly gave me the inspiration to engineer the rest of my week for deep connection and meaningful interaction, and I hope they do the same for you, so here they are:

1. No matter what, it’s going to be ok.

Oftentimes, we can psyche ourselves out and become overly anxious, disembodied, or on the defense when approaching social events. This is especially true when the outcome of the social event could determine something important about our future. This could be a job interview, first date, first hang out with a new friend, whatever.

Our body is trying to defend us from the potential let down or disappointment that could result from not connecting well. The problem with this is that it puts you on your “back foot”, trying to prevent a negative rather than create a positive out of the experience.

Telling yourself that it’s going to be ok, and settling that into your soul before an interaction is crucial to put your mind and body at peace. Connection happens most naturally when you are completely relaxed and can self regulate regardless of another person’s behavior.

To me, the deeper component to this rule is having a rock solid identity, belief in yourself, and love for yourself. This is not something you can microwave for the sake of convenience. For me, cultivating a spiritual life and relationship with God has helped bring clarity to those things.

2. My character matters more than my reputation.

If you value the way your life looks over the way it actually is, you are going to find yourself trapped and isolated over and over again. Being willing to look like the bad guy in order to stand for something you truly believe in is an unbelievably attractive thing to do, yet very few are willing.

The problem with sacrificing your character for optics is that you become everything to everyone and prevent yourself from truly connecting with anyone. Stand for what you believe in with conviction.

3. I have integrity and honesty.

If you lie sometimes, you hurt your ability to speak with conviction all the time. If you want to build connection with someone, they have to trust that you won’t alter your opinions to cater to them. People are attracted to “what you see is what you get” people.

This is maybe one of the most difficult mindsets to cultivate. I am definitely prone to being a chameleon in social situations to avoid conflict, or try to connect with someone.

People will often try to connect with me by sharing their political opinions, religious ideas, or ideas concerning gender, relationship, sexuality etc, assuming that I agree with them on the matter. More often than not I just sort of divert the conversation to something else to avoid discomfort. But this idea from Charlie is helping me to see that often times, being honest about your story, where you’re coming from, your perspective is actually the most charismatic and connecting thing you can do, even when someone disagrees with you.

Obviously, having some ability to navigate controversial conversations goes a long way here as well, but I think that I’ve probably missed out on a lot of connecting moments and deeper conversations by playing it too safe and keeping my cards to myself.

4. I don’t need to convince anything of anything.

I personally vibe with this one the most of all of them. Charlie explains in the podcast that invitation is the opposite of convincing, and is wildly more attractive. When you get stuck trying to convince others of something, people can feel that there is something missing in you that needs something from them.

Getting hyper-defensive on a position you have can communicate to others that your opinion is threatening to them, and your hopes of a vulnerable, safe, honest conversation vanish quickly.

At the end of the day, nobody wants to feel like you’re trying to change them. People want to feel accepted and understood exactly where they’re at. The moment you accept that and seek to understand them rather than change them, you’ve ironically created a beautiful opportunity to help them see your perspective as well.

My friend Pablo always used to say “The gospel is invitation ONLY” when he was teaching about Jesus. I always loved that and found it as a really compelling framework for sharing faith with people. I never need to convince people that I’m right, only share my story and thoughts honestly.

No one wants you to try to convince them of something they don’t believe, but people love a good old fashioned invitation.

5. I proactively share my purpose.

Charlie shares an amazing story for this one about a group of friends who wanted to play basketball with Barack Obama. They went around Washington DC for weeks telling people about this goal and trying to see if they could make the right connections. After going about this relentlessly for over a month, somehow Barack found out about it, reached out to them, and invited them to the White House for a game.

The power in this is that they had a compelling dream/ mission, and consistently told people about it until the right people were connected. And they amassed quite a lot of hype along the way.

Getting clear on your purpose in life and repeatedly inviting people into it is a surefire way to connect with amazing people. Most people you meet are just drifting through life, but every now and then, you bump into someone who is living a story that inspires you, and it is an honor to be invited into that.

Knowing what your purpose actually is turns out to be the hard part of this one. This is where it’s important to truly know yourself and really reflect on your pain and passion in life. Again, very few people truly do this.

6. I go first in humanizing the interaction.

This mindset is about setting a precedent in a relationship. Within the first hour or so of the podcast episode, Charlie demonstrates beautifully by telling the host Steven Bartlett that he was feeling sort of nervous for the first bit of the conversation. It’s crazy how those little hits of vulnerability can completely change an interaction and create space for connection.

Charlie shares that it’s not just about vulnerability, but about goofiness, quirkiness and humor as well. Being a pioneer in any of these areas is a risky thing to do, but it’s a lovely invitation to others to be themselves as well. This is how culture is created.

Going first demonstrates confidence, and guides any conversation that you’re in down the path of real connection.

Final thoughts

I just love that someone is out there thinking about these things and teaching them to others. There’s way too much disconnection in this world. People are losing social skills, and finding themselves more isolated than ever. We need leaders who can guide us back down the path of connection. That’s what I hope to be as well.

I did not come up with these mindsets, but they were so valuable to me that I just had to share them. I hope they bless you equally.

You can listen to the full episode here if you’d like. It’s a banger.